Disneyland Should be an Independent Nation

SleepingBeautyCastleIf you grew up in Southern California, you’ve probably been to Disneyland a million times (though I still meet curious creatures who have lived here their whole lives and never gone once!).  As life gets busier, visits often become less and less frequent.  A few weeks ago I returned to the Happiest Place on Earth after an absence of about a year and a half and was struck once again by the sheer free market beauty of the place and it occurred to me that Disneyland ought to secede from the United States.

513px-Disneyland_parking_lot_tramEntering the park is an adventure of it’s own, highly ritualized by frequent visitors like a pilgrimage to the Temple, or Dante’s journey through Purgatory on his way to the Paradise.  There are several entrances, but the most complete and fulfilling way into the park is to park in the parking structure (which I believe is free for annual pass holders) and take the tram into Downtown Disney.  The tram in its current iteration is public transportation at its very best – privately owned and running like clockwork almost 24/7.  There are no lazy, zombie-like bus drivers here.  Arriving on the tram at another loading dock, you embark thence into Downtown Disney, a sort of cultural centre and pronaos to the parks.  Here there is always music in the air, restaurants around every corner, shops and stores both Disney and secular.  The shops of course are on Disney’s private property, but Disney likely has very little interest in over-regulating them.  Both parties benefit from this arrangement.  The stores and restaurants catch the idea of the Disney pilgrims, and Disney gets to keep its customers content and well-fed on their long journey into the park.

Airport Security BacklashAt the end of Downtown Disney, you come to the first and only security check you’re likely to experience on a normal day at the park.  On a day with typical crowds it takes all of about two minutes to pass through what amounts to little more than a bag check.  There are no metal detectors or skeevy TSA perverts groping you to find that bomb hidden in your foreskin.  I’m told the security there occasionally will take knives or other potentially dangerous items, but more often than not will let such infractions slide if they do not feel the customer is a threat.  I personally have never seen anything confiscated at the bag checks.  If the government ran this business, they would take all your nail clippers, cigarettes, and tubes of sunscreen and still have multiple terror threats a day.  It’s a wonder no one has ever planted a nuclear warhead in the park with such a lax security system, and yet everyone muddles along happy as can be free from the state-sponsored hysteria that plagues us at the airport or in D.C.

Disneyland_front_gate_by_SupaGrlJessiAfter this one either buys a ticket (again, this has only ever taken me maybe a maximum of thirty minutes) or, if one has a pass, heads straight in for the parks.  There are two parks at the Anaheim site – the classic Disneyland and the decade-old California Adventure.  The twain stand directly opposite each other athwart an expanse of hexagonal tiles like warring armies preparing for battle.  People swarm over this plain, hurrying to their destinations.  Many of these tiles are dedicated to a name or to a family.  It costs a pretty penny to get your name on one of these little hexagons, but who wouldn’t want themselves imprinted on hallowed ground.  It’s much like an indulgence.  The saints whose names tattoo the battle plain will be remembered forever and ever and unto ages of ages.  Amen.

voluntaryismComing from Downtown Disney you turn left to go into Disneyland.  Options abound.  You can make the circle of the park and ride the most important attraction, you can gorge yourself to blotation, you can sit on a bench and watch the passers-by.  Food and relief from the generally hot weather are never far away.  Anything and everything you could possibly want is made available to you by the good people of the Disney Company.  In return for their excellent service, you have elected to give them a portion of your hard earned money.  This is so very different from life in the empire, where citizens are coerced out of their cash to pay for crappy services which they don’t actually want.  The relationship between Disneyland and its “citizens” is totally voluntary.  If at any point one of the two parties is unsatisfied by the relationship, the contract is mutually dissolved and the two part ways.  Nobody goes to jail for breaking Disneyland’s rules (unless, of course, the state intervenes), they’re simply expelled from the park.

World_of_Color_overviewThe government, because it forces people to pay for itself, has no incentive to provide even satisfactory services to its “customers”.  Disney, on the other hand, must constantly be improving itself in order to keep their billion-dollar operation afloat.  Whereas cities and countries and states are on a constant downward spiral toward bankruptcy and instability, Disneyland can only ever evolve and expand to new and greater frontiers until that point at which its customers are no longer satisfied with the product.  If Disneyland were to close there would be no wars, no power vacuums, no genocide.  It would simply be seen as a failed business endeavor, and everyone would go about their peaceful business.

download (5)At the center of the park is a statue of Walt Disney and his Mickey Mouse a la Saddam Hussein; however this is no tyrant feared by the people or to whom they give compulsory homage.  Instead the park’s patrons visit this monument to the park’s mastermind to give voluntary thanks for such a magnificent creation.  Offerings are made in the form of group photos or selfies taken in front of it, much like a visit to St. Peter’s or the Kaaba.  Walt Disney liberated no one and led no revolutions in the name of the people, and yet his acolytes are more grateful to him than any prole was to Stalin or slave to Abraham Lincoln.  Traveling around the park you can pick up Disney merchandise anywhere.  Most of it has Mickey’s face on it, and yet strangely no one says any prayers to him.  There are no goofy honor codes about where you can display his image: in fact it’s considered more respectful if you do wear it as a garment or as a bandana.  In the empire, insecure macho men in uniforms perform elaborate rituals to honor the Stars ‘n’ Stripes.  Many children are silently forced through peer pressure to pray to it every morning, and it’s considered distasteful to wear it or fly it upside down.  Mickey, on the other hand, renders no one ritually impure.

d8Disneyland has never declared war on any one, either in the name of territory or of ideology.  They have won the world’s respect through friendly persuasion and shrewd marketing.  People are drawn to their products because of the excellence of their output, not because they were peacefully bombed into liberty (congratulations Iraq – you might be smoldering in the ashes of a ten year invasion, at least you have democracy!).  Disney neither assaults its competitors nor its patrons.  There are security guards, sure, but nobody is very interesting in breaking the few enforced rules (except, for some reason, the ones about not reaching out and touching things on rides – God knows why people fancy losing limbs).  If there is a problem, the legitimate authorities work it our with the offender in a way that is probably mutually beneficial to both parties.  There are no clowns with badges charged with “keeping the peace”, and any Disneyland cast member who tries to assert himself or herself arbitrarily over a guest is laughed off as a crank.  People are generally polite and civil – the result of sixty years of cultural evolution which has allowed an unwritten code of conduct to emerge without the coercion or direction of any central authority.

Disneyland-Partners_statueIt’s really quite beautiful.  The Disney Company does own America, and is responsible in no small part for the perpetuation of the statist mindset in American culture, but can we really blame them for doing their best within the restrictive and poisonous framework laid out for businesses by the state?  This is why Disneyland ought to declare itself an independent nation.  I would love to renounce my U.S. citizenship for the Walt Disney Company – especially if its territories were free from government coercion encroaching on their beautiful free market system.  Disney and its products, especially the parks, are living testaments to the miracle that is consumerism and freedom of association.  Most endeavors this large would be stifled by the state’s hatred of beauty and anything remotely resembling fun, but disney has somehow manages to make it work.  Long live the Mouse!


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2 Responses to Disneyland Should be an Independent Nation

  1. Anonymous says:

    Oh my gosh where do you even come up with these things? I am a bit conflicted because I can’t tell if you are being satirical or if you actually mean these things. Because I feel like the answer to these is both. But let’s say you are being 100% serious, because it is more easy to pick apart the flaws. Let us begin, shall we?

    1) If Disneyland were its own country it would be the definition of an aristocracy. Which you probably don’t have an issue with but most people do.
    2) The food at Disneyland really goes against your praise for capitalism. You say the issue with the state is that since they force people to pay for it, they have no incentive to do a good job with anything. I am pretty sure they don’t allow you to bring like your own food into the park, forcing you to spend way too much money on really crappy food. You think the government does a crappy jobs because it has a monopoly on its services (it has to perform them, so they suck). Which is true. But you also criticism the government for intervening against monopolies.
    3) If every country just expelled the people they didn’t like the way Disneyland, I don’t think we would have a functioning society.
    4) Also wtf you can’t compare a cartoonist to a president (referring to revolutions and freeing people).
    5) REALLY? There are no lazy, zombie-like bus drivers there? Ok well since you go on the tram there all the time I am sure you can totally make an reliable assessment on the emotions of every bus driver. Because God knows that the only way you will ever hate being a bus driver is if you work for a company!
    6) “If Disneyland were to close there would be no power vacuum.” Shut up. Yes there would. Everyone would be dying to try to buy it.
    7) Most of your points are based on pure speculation, like the fact that Disney has no interest on regulating the shops. You are just making that up. You have no idea if its true.

    • 1) Absolutely no problem with aristocracy.
      2) Nobody is forced to go to Disneyland or pay for anything they don’t want to. If you don’t want to spend money on their food, nobody is going to come lock you up if you don’t buy it. The food at Disneyland is awesome, by the way, I don’t know what you’re smoking. And it is irrelevant whether the food is objectively good or not. It matters whether the customers are satisfied. If they’re not, they don’t buy it, Disneyland has to improve itself to keep its customers.
      3) Certainly we would. Nowadays we have this absurd notion of “public” property which belongs to everybody, so it is impossible to banish people. If all property were private, the owner of a realm could banish whomever he wants. Banishment sure beats locking people up and keeping them alive at the expense of terrorized citizens.
      4) My point is that people love Walt Disney in a very real and special way, even though he never “liberated” anyone or conquered any army, whereas most of the world’s conquerers and liberators have to demand their subjects pay them homage (Lincoln, Lenin, Stalin, Hitler, FDR, Truman, the Bush family, the Kim family, etc.).
      5) Not sure where you’re going with this.
      6) That’s not a power vacuum. No one dies. No one is exiled. Chaos does not ensure. It’s a peaceful business transaction.
      7) Fair enough. Though the Jamba Juice at Disneyland is more or less the same as the Jamba Juice anywhere else.

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